| POSTCARDS |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|02:40 am] |
When I am listening to a song that surges with suspense, my body jolts and my blood rushes to the forefront. This is how I prefer my songs. This is also how I prefer my people.
Fuck Harmony,
rachel
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| THOUGHT SNIPPETS. |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|12:03 am] |
'''''
And that other guy? It doesn't hurt me to look at him anymore. In the past, I didn't even have to lay eyes on him. With my back turned, his presence stung my skin.
'''''
Where we went, it was strange magic. Nothing flew, but where we sat the air was soaring about us. The attention paid was delicately intense. Soft fingertips reverberated through me.
'''''
I'm nervous I'm nervous I'm nervous. They moved his room. I hope he is okay. I hope each day is better, better, better. How far did hope get anyone? I don't know what is going to happen.
'''''
So he gets to go to my Chicago. Why do girls always hurt him? Not for the same reasons I did. They have no idea what he is really like. In truth, I know him better than any of them. His face is so soft, and yet they scorn it anyway. He asks me why. I couldn't give him an answer then. I can't give him an answer now. His malleable heart just tends to end up in hands that are too rough.
'''''
Why does it take standing four inches from a rushing train to make me feel alive?
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| CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME GROW BACKWARDS? |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|03:44 am] |
So about a year has passed, and while change was what I wanted, you cannot exactly plan change. My life is different, in an unexpected way.
I did break away from Donald, and it was best for both of us (I'm not the only one who thinks this.) We undertook a situation ment only for the most mature of souls. Both of us can joke that we think we know what it feels like to be married to someone. I joke, and on the outside I laugh - within I still don't know what the hell I was thinking.
On to this changed me... I'm responsible, you could say. Much more responsible than I would like to be, in fact. I hold down a job full time and pay rent and bills. I don't go to school. About school: a mistake was made. Such a huge mistake that sometimes I wonder if I did it on purpose. I don't laugh as much as I used too. I was always growing up at an expedited rate. I also don't speak as often as I did. Too much time mulling things over in my head. I'm 19. I'm 19. Where did I go? Is it too late to say that I've gone wrong?
As of a week ago, there are three figures that fight for space in my mind.
1) Justin.
2) My secret person.
3) These few words of Mr. TS Eliot ...
For I have known them all already, known them all---
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
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| reasons i am breaking up with you. |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|08:36 pm] |
august 12
1) i told you that dating you was a chore. i said that i felt like i had to walk on eggshells around you to prevent a fight, and not take anything you say personally, because honey, you say more things to pick me apart than you do to love me. you did not respond to what i told you, and then you fell asleep.
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|10:51 am] |
this morning i woke up with the remains of my dreams about boys. i couldn't breathe, and i asked donald to wake up, but he turned his back to me.
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| BUT ISN'T THIS FEELING SO FAMILIAR? |
[May. 23rd, 2005|06:37 pm] |
my pictures are turning to shit. one so so out of rolls and rolls. the more and more i look in the mirror, the less i recognize myself. i want change, i want my own room, i want control, i want things to be the way they were. remember this. this is a bad time in your life.
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| BUT I REALLY HATE JOBS... |
[May. 16th, 2005|09:29 pm] |
wow, my photography program will be going to italy and southern france in september/october. what a great birthday present that would make. i had better get a job goin on here soon. that way i can save up for a rolleiflex, siesta key, a light meter, a mac, and ... maybe italy. that would be nice.
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| TIME ~ ~ ~ |
[May. 15th, 2005|06:08 pm] |
velvet goldmine, great movie.
my room is so dirty, this house is so dirty.
i really wasn't surprised. no one ever does what they say they will.
You live in terror of not being misunderstood.
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| PROBABLY BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM. |
[May. 11th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
I am eating broccoli cheese soup and thinking about what I want to do. My life has been almost volatile lately. A lot of fighting against myself, a lot of doubts. A lot of wishes for do-overs. I'm not sure if I've ever been exactly positive that what I was doing was, well, what I should be doing. Or that it was for the right reasons. But then, how does anything ever turn out right in the midst of such doubt? I've lived this way for a long time. I can't quit anymore schools, and I certainly can't move anywhere else. I learned that just because I live somewhere different doesn't make me feel any stronger. It wasn't ever the town. It has always been me. It will always be me.
Monday an online friend might visit me, and I am making a mixed cd for him. I haven't made one in awhile. It is a nice feeling to recapture something. I love to replay, rewind, switch, overlisten, choose orders, rechoose. I love to mix. I've actually talked to a fair share of people online, a lot of them people I go to school with. Lately, though, I don't like the thought of people knowing how I really look. And online is too easy. You can meet anyone. It just scares me to meet anyone in real. I'm always honest to these virtual strangers about who I am. But I don't want them to see my face, I don't want anyone to really, truely know who I am. I don't want to give them that.
Now I must draw chairs and shapes and shoes. I'd take that over a paper. Whoo for art school.
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| WWW.PHOBIALIST.COM |
[May. 9th, 2005|09:19 pm] |
Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.
Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.
Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.
Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing bridges.
Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
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| FUN FUN FOR THE MASSES |
[May. 6th, 2005|03:21 am] |
Doo doo poop I want new friends and I think I found some pretty nice ones 'cause I actually went to a party and I actually li li liked it.
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| (& A BARTENDER CAME BY TO HELP HER OUT BTW.) |
[May. 5th, 2005|02:16 am] |
Just two minutes ago there was a drunken woman outside our apartment building yelling "Hey! Can somebody please take me home?! Pleeeease? Hey!!"
And then
someone yelled out
"Stop whining whore!"
I laughed.
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| I WISH I COULD RESTART, TOO. |
[May. 3rd, 2005|05:19 pm] |
I probably get frustrated too easy, which leads to me giving up a lot. I realized this after noticing that I restart Snood whenever I mess up. Memo to self: Uh, stop giving up. Quitter.
Donald is a wee bit ticked because I keep on listening to Velvet Underground's "Heroin." I kill almost all of my favorite songs in this manner. Well, kill them for other people. Not for me.
Went to the docTOR today. She used the term "sex toy". It was...hilarious! I enjoy having my blood pressure taken. My arm turns purple for a few seconds and I pretend it is being squeezed off by, say, a lion or something. Or a tiger. It feels weird, but nice. (NOTE, I do not want my arm to be squeezed off in real life.)
i don't know just where i'm going
but i'm gonna try for the kingdom, if i can
'cause it makes me feel like i'm a man
when i put a spike into my vein...
(NOTE, I do not want to put any spikes into my veins. But this is an incredible song.) |
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| I GOT A SUPER SHARP PIECE OF GLASS IN MY FOOT OUCH. |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|11:54 pm] |
Unfortunately, it isn't over yet. I felt sick to my stomach driving home the other day, but at least I was comforted with the thought that it could be finished with. What basically happened is that their lawyer pulled another last minute continuance on us and didn't even have the decency to let our lawyer know about it. So here we go, another waiting period. I don't know, I think about it every day and I feel sick. My dad tells me not to worry, to let him do all the worrying...but this is one of those things where you read/hear about it happening and go "sucks, people are assholes" but you don't think of it happening to you.
***
We looked at slides today. I really liked one girl's pictures because she didn't take any shots of flowers or leaves or cars. I hate flowers/leaves/cars photography. It's just boring most of the time. Another guy took pictures that I realized where all of buildings on my street. His were nice, too. Just those two, though. I've got a really cool shoot idea, and it basically consists of wrapping people up in brightly colored mesh. If things work out that's what I'll be doing this weekend. And oh yeah! I have to find someone who will let me take nakey pictures of them. (For class, I was surprised that we do this our first quarter.) Might be weird. Some random penis or something. sweet.
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| I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PUT HERE THIS TIME... |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|12:15 pm] |
Today I am going to travel back home for my court date. I really have no idea what to expect. I don't want to appeal. I hope they just get what they want and then leave me alone. I'm that much of a coward, but I feel sick to my stomach everytime I think about having to go defend myself in a story that is seeping with lies. I'm scared.
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| HABITUAL HABITS |
[Apr. 23rd, 2005|02:44 pm] |
I wake up entirely too late.
That is the concept of this era in my life.
And I hang up old pictures of me on the fridge, and I remember that my grammar was much better and I didn't misspell things quite so much.
Well, I'm trying to change. just like everyone else.
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| THEY'RE EXPLOSIONS IN THE SKY! |
[Apr. 23rd, 2005|02:19 am] |
I watched Disco Pigs tonight.
So many movies only meet me halfway. I'm glad I happened upon this one. I didn't even like it very much at first, and I could barely understand some parts because of the thick dialect and lack of subtitles. But it grew, as some films do, and I know that things will happen in my life, and (maybe that moment, maybe later) I'll remember a particular line or scene.
It makes me happy to find those rare ones.
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